Our Adoption Story: Part 1- The Joy of Pain

"Joy is not a stranger to pain. We may not feel deeply enough to know joy unless our hearts have been hollowed out by sorrow. A heart may not be big enough to know real joy until it has been stretched and pulled by trials and hard things. Our capacity to feel joy actually increases as we righteously endure our pain." -Barbara Workman - "The Quest for Joy" - July 2005

Just 15 months ago Joey and I received an email from the father of a 22 year old who was hoping to place her unborn baby with a couple. Sarah (not her real name) had already been in contact with another couple for a few months but had just decided they weren't the right ones for her baby. Feeling overwhelmed with the decision she had asked her dad to help find a new family. She was due in three weeks. Within a 48 hour period we heard from this dad and two other expecting women who had seen our profile and wanted to meet with us to decide if we would be the right fit for their babies. And this after a year of zero contact from any potential birth parents. This after 3 years of (awkward, painful, but hopeful) doctor appointments, fertility treatments, adoption forms, home studies, and negative test strips. I know what it's like to hope and wish and cry and pray for something so wonderful so badly, without any assurance of a positive outcome.

The days that followed this first communication with Sadie's biological grandfather were some of the most trying and stretching days of my life. Nothing was certain. It took everything in me to think about anything other than this unborn baby. My relationship with Joey was under scrutiny as we met with Sarah and her parents multiple times over the course of two weeks. The birth grandparents were delightful people and exuded love and compassion- for both their pregnant daughter and for Joey and me. We will ALWAYS love them for that. Our relationship with Sarah was more ambiguous and we could never tell what she thought about us. It was a humbling feeling to know our future was in her hands, and all we could do was hope that it was finally our turn to add a baby to our family. When I read back through the entries in my journal, I can still feel the pain and the desperation I experienced during the two weeks leading up to Sadie's adoption. I may not have physically labored to get her here, but I experienced my own labor pains- two weeks of them!- as we waited and waited and waited to find out whether we really got to take her home.

These experiences were painful and quite traumatic for me. I still can't believe the miracle that took place when we met with our caseworker at the hospital, the papers were signed, and, finally, struggling to hold back tears, Sarah placed her baby girl in my arms. A few days after we had brought Sadie home with us I wrote in my journal "My heart has stopped hurting." That was the biggest miracle of all. Like the quote says, "A heart may not be big enough to know real joy until it has been stretched and pulled by trials and hard things." It takes a heart pulled and stretched and hollowed out by sorrow to know the joy I've experienced having this precious baby girl in my life.

Being a mom is hard. REALLY hard. But you know what's even harder? Wanting to be a mom but not knowing if it will ever happen. So excuse me while I hug my sweet Sadie Rae a little tighter, knowing how much pain it took to get her here.

From God's arms to your arms to mine